Recently I found love again.

BIG LOVE.

Unexpected. Visceral. Take your breath away, kind of love. The kind that I was shocked by how much I cared about this person kind of love.

And then just as fast as it came, it left.

In a very short time, this person showed me so much about myself that I could not see with anyone else or in any other situation because I believe their purpose was to do exactly what they were doing. To trigger the hell out of me. To help me level up and see what I needed to see - to be aware of and to address for myself. I will be VERY honest here and say that while I have this clarity now…..in the moment……BAYBAY……I DID NOT SEE IT THAT WAY. I saw the power struggle of it all and I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted nothing to do with this person and their energy at times. I wanted nothing to do with what I was witnessing in myself through them. I tried to run away. Like the wind. In a category 5 hurricane. I tried and kept coming back for more.

This person was a classic and flaming narcissist - the jekyl and hyde personality changes, the volatile temper, the callous manner in which I would be handled with zero accountability on their part. And I was the classic empath just soaking it all in, stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode. It created an environment where I felt like I just had to take what they were dishing out and it would leave me reeling. Wondering what I had done wrong. Wondering why I felt like I was chasing a person who did not want to be caught. Wondering why they had pursued interest in me in the first place. Wondering how I got caught up in it all in the first place because the gag was it all happened gradually. Little by little until I was a cowering mess in the corner wondering if I was truly worthy of love. (The deepest wound I have) It was very confronting to realize how much anxiety I had within me. To realize what I was allowing. To realize how much my heart longed for love that I was willing to disrespect myself to get it. And not even a lot of it or an ample amount. I was accepting breadcrumbs. And totally fine with it for a while until I couldn’t ignore the red flashing flags any longer.

When we first got together, I couldn’t believe how much this person and I got along. How funny they were. How witty. How charming. How into me they were. Until they weren’t. I could never question anything they did or else it would end in me being iced out which felt awful to my Venusian heart who just loves because love is all there is at the core of everything. Which now, looking back, I don’t think he could have possibly understood about me. Not a lot of people do and I do little to change anyone’s mind since that’s really none of my business.

I attempted to stay in my heart in the relationship. To not allow myself to be swept away in what felt like the River of Crazy but I consistently was. I would constantly check myself to make sure I wasn’t creating drama but it didn’t matter. In no other area of my life did I feel helpless or powerless. But around this person, I did. Hell, I would even use the word ‘desperate’ to describe my desire for this person’s love, time and attention because when it was good, it was incredible and I so wanted that feeling back consistently.

And therein lies one of my superpowers turned weapon against myself. I can see the potential of any soul, I could see theirs. I could see the timelines they could shift to. I could see the light of their soul and just figured I needed to help them crack open their almost closed heart. I realized through this relationship that for a long time, I would deal with people using that blueprint that sits within them and not the reality of how they were showing up in the world. I could see who they were outside of the wounding, which is also another superpower turned self harming device - I have the ability to innerstand wounding - how and why it got there and how to move it - without judgement. So, enter the dance of my ego where I believed I could help them fix whatever was keeping them from the truth of their own heart, which I can BUT only for someone who actually acknowledges and wants to help themselves. And even if I could have/would have done that, THAT would make him a client and not an aligned partner. In the moment though, knowing I could help this person made it make sense as to why they showed up in my life with all the signs and synchronicities that showed me it was ok to let them in. I had not been in a relationship for over three years so it felt good to want to open up and everything within me said YES. GO FOR IT. And so I did. I let some very overdue pleasure back into my life for goodness sake. But it wasn’t to be. I wish it was because I am still deeply drawn to them.

I take full responsibility for my energy in this relationship. I take full responsibility for not showing up in my full Goddess self. I take responsibility for watering myself down in an effort to be more palatable. I take responsibility for not communicating my boundaries and I take responsibility that I created the space for this to take place just as it did. So many lessons. (deep sigh)

It is easy in these kind of moments to feel shame and to blame oneself for taking the risk to love again. To judge yourself for not knowing better, as if you could have. I opened myself to a person who I fell in love with and unfortunately they didn’t know how to love me back in a way that was affirming and calming to my nervous system. And that’s ok because I know myself better today than I did before I met them. It hurts but life does sometimes. I had to learn a valuable and hard lesson on self worth when it comes to relationships. I had to learn that no matter how much you love someone, they are their own person with free will to do as they please. And I had to learn that I deserve the kind of love that is kind, attentive, slow and filled with sacred energy. My heart is a pure place and it deserves to be seen exactly as it is in its innocence. I realize that I am a unique being and it will take an equally unique being to see me for ALL that I am and appreciate it. And that’s ok too.

For now, I shall lick these wounds and rest. Solo walking through this life is not a bad thing. It’s not what I would love but it is also not a bad thing. I send love to this person and I pray they heal within themselves. I pray I heal. I pray we all do. It’s why I do what I do because that’s all I want for everyone. To know themselves and to heal. To find love for self no matter where you may be in your journey.

So, if you can relate, I bless you. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. To take responsibility for your wounds and to heal them. May we all be blessed by the Divine to do just that.

xx