Sometimes I am not even sure how to feel anymore. The amount of energy hitting this planet. The astrological occurrences. The major, life shifting events.

What I am clear on is that I am angry inside and my anger consumes me at times. It takes me over and leaves me spent, wondering what happened. Wondering who that was and how did she take over so quickly and completely. Wondering what to say when she does leave because all I see around me is the wreckage she left behind. She doesn’t care who she hurts. She doesn’t care if there is nothing left behind in her wake.

I am left to sit in the ashes of whatever is left though.

Sometimes I am pleased with her work, for she says things I could never. She at least shows me she cares about me. She will tear down anything to keep me safe, even if she herself is the danger. And that’s the funny part. In her attempts to keep us safe, she scares me the most, although she is better than she used to be. Her words may not be as reckless, but her aim is true.

I think what scares me the most about her is how all consuming she is. It is like a different person shows up. I forget the mantras, the practice, the connection to my heart. The heat rises and consumes all thought. Consumes all ration. It just consumes.

I do not wish to be consumed any longer by her but I do not wish to banish her either. We still belong to each other. We still belong. She belongs.

I have to build a relationship with her. I have to make other space for her to exist within me. I have to give her healthy outlets to breathe too. Then she won’t just jump out when the Starbucks people fill a venti cup halfway and expect us to be ok with it for $6.75. Then she won’t jump put when a distracted driver cuts us off. Then she won’t go off on a complete stranger for being strange.

She will have a place to put whatever she needs to and I won’t be so afraid of her anymore.

Then I won’t be so afraid me anymore.