The Imaginary Person that Lived in My Head

I used to have this imaginary person that lived in my head. They would transform and morph from man to woman, old to young, changing colors and cultures at will. Their voice and presence was quite loud but I never asked them to leave. At first, they lived in one room of my mind, until one day I noticed that they had built a multi-structure community there and invited friends to board with them.

This person had opinions on everything and I took their counsel quite seriously. Who to speak to, who not to go near, what activities were safe for me and what places to avoid, but most of all, they became the general voice of resistance to everything. If I wanted to go to a new restaurant, they became the hostess at the front door who would refuse me service. If I wanted to try a new class, they would become the person I would end up next to on the mat, dismissing my every move. If I wanted to travel to a new place, they would become the ticket agent who would give me a hard time trying to check a bag, the TSA agent who would harrass me, the stinky person I had to sit beside who would make me uncomfortable, the local who would hate the tourist and the hotel worker who would steal my stuff when I left the room. This person was very skilled at re-creating themselves in the blink of an eye and they were extremely convincing in their arguments. They allowed me to imagine how scenarios would work and took it as reality. I listened intently to every word of caution they had to say, believing every word to be true and they would smugly sit back and build more real estate in the recesses of my subconscious. They seemed to really care about me and my wellbeing so why wouldn’t I listen to them. Why wouldn’t I give them the keys that held the power to my freedom of movement in the world. It simply seemed to make sense.

I do not recall ever meeting this person. They just always seemed to be there. But as I think now, I believe they showed up the first time I experienced real betrayal of my own trust in myself. When I had made a decision of my own free will and it had cost me a great deal of peace. I think that’s when they came along to help me decide what was good for me. They would quickly analyze a situation and give a detailed risk analysis on how I could proceed forward, what all could possibly happen and how I could avoid being hurt again - which I was grateful for.

The problem was that every time I looked to them for advice and I followed it, they got bolder and took in more points in their examination. They began to view more and more items of the world as threats and I listened. Each and every time they spoke, I ate it up like the gospel fresh from John’s mouth. I gave my power to this voice and felt at ease about it. I did not think I was missing out on anything because the safety of my entire being was more important, even though I could not really tell you what I was being kept safe from. Their guidance was more important to me than exploring anything new. Screw new. I had already seen what that had gotten me. Painful experiences and an unhealthy skepticism of my own sense of belonging anywhere.

I never questioned them until one day I felt a desire in my heart so strong that it didn’t matter what they said. I had to see for myself. I had to experience it personally. I made a decision to go forward with what i wanted and I listened to what they had to say for the first time with new ears, ears that had more discernment. I questioned their critique point by point and I was ready to accept the consequences even if they did turn out to be right. I didn’t care if they were or not. I moved ahead and after reveling in the joy of the experience, I wanted to have more of them.

The protestations from them were firm and swift, as they began to turn the knife on me and not the world around me. How stupid I was for even wanting. How incredibly gullible I was to even think I would be accepted. Oh the things they said to me. But I pushed on. The more things I tried, the louder they got. until one day I began to talk back to them affirming my own ability to make decisions for myself. In that moment, I felt one of the homes they had built begin to crumble and that sparked a revolution in my heart to tear it all down. Or at least as much that could be dismantled.

They became angrier and nastier but I just kept re-affirming that this was actually my body, my mind, my home. They were a guest here and not the dictator of the land any longer. When I did this, I looked them in the eye and I realized that their anger was the kid version of me who was terribly hurt so long ago and that softened my heart to them. They WERE just doing what they thought was best for us all, themselves included. They were cunning and crafty enough to shapeshift into what they knew I would pay attention to but they were my five year old self inside all of that pain projecting as protection. In that moment, I listened to their ravings and I took a long, deep breath and said “I love you. It’s ok. You’re safe now. WE are safe now. You can rest.” And with those words, every structure that they had built to keep us out of harm’s way crumbled. All except one tinier, very beautiful room that was white and devoid of any color. They live there now, only speaking up when the internal alarm system goes off that senses real danger. There was no need to evict them totally becasue that would have been a complete waste of the wisdom and sense of quick wit they have which is still very useful. They are just no longer in the driver’s seat.

Do you have a “they”? Do “they” run the show? Have you ever had a conversation with “them”?

If you do, know that you are a sovereign being who is worthy of love and adventure, even if that escapade is venturing to a new bakery. You are worthy of new experiences and have every right to heal whatever is keeping “them” in control of your life.

Take inventory of their territory and become the loving parent to your own self.

I love you!

xx